3 Thieves of Joy (3 min. read)
How much joy do you experience on a daily basis? Was there a time in your life when you were happier? What were you doing differently during that time? These are questions I might explore with someone struggling with depression or just trying to get out of a rut. Truth is, a lot of things have changed in your life from previous seasons. Families grow, new friends enter your life (some leave), your job changes. It’s like we blink an eye and we’re a lot older and Blockbuster is out of business.
However, no matter what season of life you’re in, you can adapt your thoughts and mindsets to thrive.
You can actually choose to train your brain to think in ways that are helpful to you! This is a beautiful concept called neuroplasticity, which you can read more about here. Unfortunately, you can also train your brain to think in negative ways, so I want to clue you in on 3 ways of thinking that are robbing you of joy.
These 3 thieves are shame, distraction, and fear, and you should be actively destroying them in your life.
Shame will try to rob you of your past.
It will tell you that you are a failure, that your story has already been written as one of inadequacy. Shame will shout that it's too late to change, that you will never live up to the standard needed. It will play your mistakes on repeat, a playlist ridden with “should have” and “could have”. Shame does not remember your past victories or the journey of healing you are on. Self-hatred lives in these waters. If you find yourself constantly thinking about how you’ve messed up, shame is probably a thief you need to bring to justice.
This is different from guilt, which is the helpful feeling you get after doing something wrong that may need to be reconciled or fixed. It leads you towards connection. But shame is more about your identity. Researcher Brene Brown defines shames as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.”
Shame destroyer: Tell your story
One of the best ways to destroy shame is to find a trusted friend or counselor and start to tell your story. When you are met with acceptance, the lies that shame tells become weaker and lose their hold on your joy. We all deserve to be loved just as we are. Your story is amazing and worth hearing.
Distraction will try to rob you of being present.
It will whisper that there are more exciting things elsewhere, that you’d be better off focusing on something else than what you are currently doing. It will tell you your life isn't good enough, and the things you do aren't worth investing in. It will present you with many ways to neglect responsibilities, relationships, and the present moment.
This doesn't mean that anything unproductive is a distraction. It really comes down to choice. If you decide to watch Netflix to relax or enjoy an evening, you reap the benefits of lowering your stress level and building connection points with people. Different story when you go on a Youtube rabbit trail to avoid writing a paper or doing a work project. The same concept applies to social media and when you decide to engage with that. You get to choose what (and who) you want to allow in your life and where you want to spend your time and energy. There’s joy in choosing something and sticking to it.
Distraction destroyer: Practice mindfulness
Mindfulness is being aware of the present moment, without judgment or worry. Just notice a few things going on around you right now. What do you see? What are you feeling? Staying mindful is a skill that takes practice, but will allow you to turn from distractions and control your focus. I would recommend an app like Balance or Calm if you want to practice more.
Fear will try to rob you of your future.
It will sculpt vivid worst case scenarios in your head, trying to convince you that they will surely happen. Fear will remind you of the many reasons you haven't pursued your dreams or had that conversation you’ve been avoiding. It will masquerade as the voice of reason keeping you safe, but really it’s keeping you trapped.
There is healthy fear that we feel (getting close to the edge of a cliff and not wanting to fall off) but typically our fears are of things that aren’t actually dangerous. That presentation at work is probably going to go well, and even if it doesn’t, it won’t end your career or relationships with co-workers. That friend who hasn’t responded probably isn’t mad at you, but even if they are, reconciliation is possible.
Fear destroyer: Take a risk
Start small. Do something that makes you slightly uncomfortable. As you build this “muscle” of moving forward in the face of fear, you will get more used to it. Fear may always fight for a say in your life, but you don’t always have to listen. Don't let fear stop you from doing what is in your heart to do.
You might have resonated with all three of these joy thieves, or maybe just one of them. I encourage you to just choose one step to take today towards joy. Changing bad mindsets is not always a quick or easy thing to do, but it gets easier with practice. You are worth it!
Written by Nicholas Hunter, MA, LPC.
Cover Photo by Ian Schneider on Unsplash