How to Stay Out of Emotional Debt (3 min. read)
Emotional debt is that feeling that you have spent more of yourself than you actually have. We experience this as stress, burnout, depression, and many other things, but at the core it’s a pretty simple concept. You only have so much emotional energy and capacity to expend on any given day (or week, month etc.) and when you reach that limit, you can choose to keep going into debt, or replenish your tank.
Diving into debt leads to resentment and dissatisfaction because you can’t really bring your full self to the situation. Have you ever been somewhere and spent most of the time thinking about when you could head back home? That could be a sign of emotional debt. So what do you do to get out and stay out of this uncomfortable place?
You go Dave Ramsey on it.
Dave Ramsey is a household name now because of his work with getting people out of financial debt. His methods really work, and millions of people have benefited. Let’s see how we can apply some financial principles to the idea of emotional energy.
Create Your Emotional Expense Report
One reason people spend their money so recklessly is they don’t actually realize what they are spending money on, so things add up and they can’t afford it. This is also true with our emotional energy! So take a moment and write down everything you did this past week. Now write which things drained you emotionally and which things gave you life. Maybe you were able to get 8 hours of sleep most nights and took some walks (emotional income) but you had some stressful meetings at work or watched a lot of the news (emotional expenses).
You can go back as far as you want to try and see trends of how you spend and replenish your energy. This will help you make your emotional budget.
Create Your Emotional Budget
Your budget will include how much of your emotional capacity you can spend each day or week. Only you can figure this out because it’s different for everyone. See how you feel after doing certain activities and decide what your budget is. If your job involves meetings, maybe you can only do so many each day. If you volunteer, maybe you hit your monthly limit after a certain amount of events. How often do you need to take a vacation? See a movie? Schedule a massage?
The “ins and outs” of your energy resources become the budget that you work with going forward. You can keep adjusting it until you find something sustainable. If you keep hitting moments of intense burnout or stress, you are in survival mode. It’s like living paycheck to paycheck, and it’s not a good long-term plan.
Stick to It
Making a budget is one thing, but following through is where it counts. In the financial world, only using cash is an example of a boundary to stop reckless spending. That doesn’t quite translate to staying emotionally healthy, but here’s something to try - schedule your emotional income first. This means putting those meet ups with friends on the calendar, getting an accountability partner for the gym, or scheduling that massage. If you wait until you see what’s left of your emotional energy, you will continually come to the end of your rope with nothing to give. Fill portions of your calendar with the things that give you life and fit the other things in around them. Find the balance that works for you.
It’s also helpful to have an “emergency fund” of activities that you know will bring you out of debt quickly. When you approach burnout, you can pull back before reaching the ledge by taking a day off and doing some much needed self-care.
Build up Emotional Savings
This may not be possible for everyone, but imagine if you lived your life with enough margin that you could draw from your reserves when you need it most? Maybe a friend is going through a really rough time, and you want to be there for them emotionally. Or you hit a busy season with work or family. When you stay out of emotional debt, it frees you up to thrive even in uncertain times. You can bravely meet the challenges of life and give generously of yourself to friends and family.
Stress is part of life, but we are not meant to live in prolonged states of stress. It’s not good for our brains or our bodies. If you frequently find yourself stressed out from emotional debt, take action!